[Michele]

WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

This is dedicated to women (even some guys) everywhere who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased
a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although
I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 48 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a
personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old
aerobics instructor and a model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My
daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started
and encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found
it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair,
dancing green eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Before long I
assume I'll resemble Belinda. Belinda gave me a tour and showed me
the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This
is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee and I finally made it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made
it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
didn't try to steer or stop, so I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest
hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.

THURSDAY :
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my
shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch
to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY :
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
skinny, anemic, anorexic little tramp. If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you
don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off
and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have
been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY :
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just
hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However,
I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun – like a root canal
or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds.