Quote:
Originally Posted by melliedee
Enlightenment comes in all forms, but a "Bodhisattva Louis Armstrong" is particularly appealing. I like the initial mistrust, that the answer could not possibly be so simple or stem from "pop song wisdom." Yet it does.
Formally, I like a uniform line length in free verse. You break on the natural clause, as I do, which adds sanity but will always sacrifice the tidiness of the line. I'm tripped up a bit by the fragment which begins the third stanza (just first two lines, the last is wonderful).
The ending is both surprising and expected, which might be a good indication of its authenticity. But I have to wonder if the reader would arrive at "what a wonderful world" on their own? It's a risk. Maybe take it out of quotations to make it more organic or even leave what it is we think to ourselves unfinished? Closure is my own constant struggle; the best advice I ever got on the subject is to not write toward an ending you already have in mind.
Good stuff, Tony! I'd like to see more originals on this thread. Roo workshop, anyone?  |
Thank you, but please don't speak as if we were collegues or equals. You're a published poet...I'm a scratch paper scribbler!
Wonderful suggestions.
That third stanza was tough. I wanted a sense of place and I wanted the symbolism of the bottom of the mountain/journey, but the phrasing was tricky. I'm now thinking:
At the base of Mount Tamalpais,
In a Meditation Hall with eighty people.
Pilgrims, searchers, and the just plain curious.
Perhaps the ending works better if I make it me and not the reader who reaches the conclusion...and let the reader decide if they agree or not? I'll play with it.
Thanks for the help.
Papa T